Glittering Pebbles

"We heap around us things that we do not need as the crow makes piles of glittering pebbles." - Laura Ingalls Wilder

She was born in 1867. I was born in 1976. Nevertheless, I grew up alongside Laura. It is lost to time how many trips through her books I made, watching her determined pioneer spirit and learning her way of appreciating simplicity and the true treasures in life.

The quote above is found in her later writings, compiled in "Little House in the Ozarks." She goes on to say "I believe we would be happier to have a personal revolution in our individual lives and go back to simpler living and more direct thinking. It is the simple things of life that make living worthwhile, the sweet fundamental things such as love and duty, work and rest, and living close to nature. There are no hothouse blossoms that can compare in beauty and fragrance with my bouquet of wildflowers."

Love. Duty. Work. Rest. Nature. I inwardly long for a life such as the one she describes. We could live with so much less than we have and be happier. Some of the more cynical among you would remind me that living the pioneer life meant living without indoor plumbing, without central air, without computers and cell phones. It meant hard work. Very hard work. Hard work that had you up with the dawn and in bed with the sunset. Yes, it would be a very different life. We would have to be different people.

But I can imagine the satisfaction MacGyver would have building his own house from the pines he cut and hauled to the mill himself. The pleasure it would be for him to have his sons trail after him as he went about his work, teaching them and preparing them to be hard workers themselves. I can imagine what a wonderful feeling it would be to grow a garden full of fruits and vegetables with my girls, or expertly kneed and bake our own bread, or sew instead of surf the Internet, and read instead of clicking on the tv.

Life would be harder. But life would mean more.

I am glad that we have modern conveniences. I like facebook's way of reuniting me with every person I've ever known. I enjoy blogging. It's awfully handy to be able to google anything and get an immediate answer to a question. I am relieved to know that my family has access to antibiotics and emergency medical care if it is needed. Cars come in handy when you've got aways to go.

But all of this costs money. And time. And maybe just a little part of ourselves that was made for simpler things. What does this earth not provide for us that we had to create such a complicated system to sustain our lives?

Chances are I'll never get to live Laura's simple life. But maybe I can begin to take the steps in that direction, and someday, somehow, my children or my children's children could find their way back.

So the question becomes, what can we live without?

The answer, I suspect, is much.

My Story

All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber

The first day of my life was quite an ordeal. I don't remember it, but my mom can attest to it. I entered the world with a good dose of drama. Maybe that's why all of my children had to follow the same path. The drama just keeps getting bigger. I'm scared to have any more.

But for all that birth drama I ended up being a fairly easy-going kid. I wasn't one to make a big deal over nothing. I still shy away from too much emotion, too much to-do about anything. It's interesting to note that in spite of this I married MacGyver, who may seem even and steady to the average person but truthfully has quite the opposite side. I hesitate to give it a name. Moodiness? Sensitivity? A human roller coaster? He's going to say I'm insulting him, but I assure you he pulls this off in a very manly way a good part of the time. And I'm also willing to admit that since you will have to watch me pretty hard or get to know me pretty well before you ever see me shed a tear or laugh really loud or dance around the kitchen and sing at the top of my lungs, it's probably a good thing that I have a spouse who can handle all these things in quite an expert fashion.

So it goes without saying that my pursuit of spiritual things has also been somewhat matter-of-fact. I grew up in a pastor's home, and so I grew up in the church. I had Bible verses memorized before my ABC's. Unless you ask me to give reference numbers, which just won't stick in my head for some reason, I can probably answer just about every question you can think up or look up in the Bible. I'm not saying this to show off, I'm just stating a fact. If anyone wants to take pride in this it should be my parents, because they are the ones that made sure it was all soaked into me during the early years of my life when I was most "soakable."

I did all the things that children growing up in happy Christian homes usually do. I recognized that I was a sinner and Jesus was the Savior when I was six. I was baptized not long after. I proceeded to hear and accept everything I was taught until I was around 10.

I remember being at Bible camp around this time and starting to wonder why I believed the way I did. Always before I had believed because everyone else in my life believed, because it was all I knew, and because I didn't have any reason not to. But as my mind matured and I began to develop my own sense of individuality, I wanted to know if what I believed really held water.

I guess this is partly because in the private school I went to, where I had many wonderful teachers who were full of faith, I also had a few that were full of rules. And they didn't think the Bible had enough of them, so they tended to make up their own as well. I think this is one of the greatest problems the church has always had in reaching people with the news of Jesus Christ. The tendency is always to add or subtract to what God already said. The Bible actually holds a warning against this very behavior.

But we all still do it. Or subscribe to it. Or vainly try to live by it. Or reject it completely.

So I asked my counselor at camp why I should believe that the Bible is true. I'm not sure she was ready for that one, because her answer seemed weak. "Because the Bible says it is true," she offered in return.

How can a book validate itself with no outside verification? I didn't accept this, and for the next couple of years I continued to question. And push the boundaries. I could go on for quite awhile, but I will just sum up what happened in the 2 or 3 years that followed. I became increasingly unhappy, awkward, sullen and even outright mean. And I had no answers to my question.

I can clearly remember the moment things clicked. I was sitting in English class. Mrs. Foster was discussing Romeo and Juliet. And I was sitting there, being miserable as usual. I don't remember how my thinking led me to the place. Perhaps I wondered why the Bible was any more reliable than Shakespeare. But I started to think about all the things the Bible actually says. Had I ever heard a single argument against them that could even hold a drop of water? Didn't all the commands of the Bible work to cause people good in the end? Hadn't all of those Old Testament prophecies been fulfilled when Jesus came? Hadn't his life, his teaching, his death, ressurection and return to Heaven been witnessed, documented and established by hundreds of witnesses? Hadn't his church endured from that moment till this one, by the undeniable power of a Spirit that resided with us? IN me?

But it wasn't all of these things that cinched the case shut in my heart. It was the silent voice that spoke through the darkness of a 13 year old's mind and said "I love you. Follow me."

And I wanted to. I wanted to follow him and be at peace. I wanted with relief to allow his boundaries to come around my life so that I would be safe. I wanted to have his love protect me and hold me up when it was hard to walk life's path. I wanted him to delight in me if everyone else thought I wasn't worth their time or effort.

I wanted to belong to him. And I told him so. And life has never been the same since. There have been hard times, of course, but I have never experienced the crushing fear of doubt since without his Spirit whispering the promises of His Word. I can tell you without a shadow of any sort of doubt or question that I KNOW God is real.

And that He loves me.

And you.

Be My Friend

They're worried about what other people are thinking, when the people they're worrying about are worried about the same thing. It makes me laugh. - Gibson Praise

When I was in elementary school, there was a girl whom everyone wanted to be friends with. I'll call her Annie.

I don't remember ever deciding "I'm going to be friends with Annie." I just always was. We started school the same year and we were both friendly kindergartners and we got along well. But there were others whose goal in life was to be friends with her. She seemed so self-assured, so perfect, so right that all the other little girls and even some of the boys wanted to follow her around in order that her unusual "coolness" might somehow be transferred over to them as well.

As the years went by, I started to somehow see myself as less than Annie. That she was doing me a favor by being my friend, inviting me to her parties, letting me sit next to her. As her popularity soared, I fell into an awkward phase that changed my personality from easy-going and friendly to somewhat more reserved and unsure.

It wasn't really about Annie. I don't remember her ever saying or doing anything specifically to make me feel that way. But even as I felt less and less comfortable around the one who had started out as my closest friend, my definition of friend evolved. Even if Annie was a little distant and surrounded by admiring followers, I had other friends who loved me and accepted me just the way I was. When I ran down the street to my neighborhood chum's house or spent time with my "other" sisters I've mentioned previously, I was always me. No pretense, no code of conduct required. I wasn't perfect, and neither were they.

I'm not sure why I feel the same way at thirty-three. I should be able to talk to other women and understand that they are not judging me, sizing me up, wishing they were somewhere else or anxious to get away from me. In fact, it surprised me to hear last week when I said how hard it was for me to talk to people in person, a lot of you agreed with me. More than one person said "I could have written that exact same post."

Isn't it a little ironic that we are all stressing out over what other people think of us as we socialize? What's the point of worrying about what someone else thinks when they are only worried about the same thing? Obviously, they are too busy worrying to judge!

I guess the point is that it's way past time to stop worrying about what you all think of me when we talk in person. There's no reason to labor over what I said wrong or what I should have said or how I could have looked better when I said it... it's ridiculous.

So next time you talk to me, remind me to be honest and be myself, and promise me that you are doing the same thing. Enough with the pretense. Let's just be real.

I'm excited for the way my opening up on this blog is causing the people I know to be more open. I've even got two acceptances on my request for dinner guests! I'm looking forward to learning more about how this whole friendship thing works.

I think we get scared that if someone gets to know us too well, they will see all our flaws. And that's a valid concern. But we all have flaws. And you really can't call someone a friend until you've known them well enough to be a little annoyed by them. To have an argument. To challenge their thinking, and to have your own ways challenged.

My neighborhood chum no longer lives in the same time zone, and my "other" sisters are in another state. So go ahead. Challenge me. Annoy me.

You know, be my friend.

Marking the Moment and Meandering

It's time to write. MacGyver is trying to give me pointers on what to write about today. I think I'll just stick to the schedule. If he wants to write something he can start his own blog.

MacGyver reminded me yesterday that it has been exactly a year since we took our son in for surgery. It surprised me. I think because that was a bit of a scary time, I have pushed it to the back of my mind only to be brought up if it is needed. It all turned out very well. But there was the space of about six days where we did not know whether or not our second born would have cancer. All we had to go on was the surgeon's words after the surgery was over was "Those lymph nodes are very suspicious."

I don't have a point with that. Just marking the moment, being very thankful that our son is healthy. Overall I'm in a bit of a meandering mood today, so if you're dizzy by the time I'm done I apologize. I have about five minutes before I have to return to my world brimming with laundry and little people so I just want to post how I've been doing health wise and get back to it.

Jillian Michaels has been shredding me regularly, (every other day) but she's starting to make my knees and ankles hurt. Actually, my shoes are starting to make my knees and ankles hurt. I suppose the $15 Walmart shoes aren't going to cut it. So I'm going to research and find a good pair of exercise/running shoes. Because eventually I will run. I will. I did have a pair, but something about having babies causes your feet to grow. Well, MY feet to grow, anyway. Before I was a mother, I wore a regular size 8. Nowadays I can't even squeeze on an 8 1/2. Anyway, I went for a walk today and weeded the garden instead of the Shred. Blisters on my hands and feet to prove it.

The eating after nine isn't going very well. I even changed it to ten (because I'm a night owl)and I still haven't been very good with it. I am getting pretty good at what I'm eating. AND the big news of this week is that I'm giving up ice cream.

Ice cream is fine, in small amounts. Especially all-natural, half the fat ice cream. But I really like ice cream. It's really hard to eat it in small amounts. So no more ice cream for me. Well, no more daily ice cream. I may still have some on a more monthly basis. Don't forget to ask me if I'm sticking to it.

How about you? Are you sticking to your goals? Everyone post (if you don't have a profile just choose "anonymous") and let us know what you're up to.

Back to life.

Green Bottoms

This is my two-year-old. She's nursing her baby. And she's smart. She knows every nursing mother needs to stay well-hydrated.

So this one and her baby brother are giving me a dilemma. I really like modern day diapers. I like how much they hold. I like how infrequently I have to change them. But as wonderful and convenient as they are, they are not very environmentally friendly.

I'm going to need a lot of hand holding today. I know some of you have switched partly or all the way to cloth diapers. So for all of us that are scared to death of a pile of filth we are responsible to somehow wash every day or being at the mall and having runny baby poop leak every possible place imaginable... help! Convince us!

I also need specifics. When you put "cloth diapers" in a search engine you come up with MANY options. What's the best? Is it worth it to get the most expensive? Do the cheapest ones perform badly? How many do you need? (Not how many do they recommend - how many do you absolutely have to have to avoid catastrophes?) How often do you have to change them? How often do you have to wash? Can you just throw the nasty things in the washer or do you have to rinse them out? And how do you keep rotten dogs who think poop is a delicacy from ripping them apart? (Okay, maybe you don't know the answer to that one...)

So I need lots of responses. I changed the settings so that anyone should be able to post. If you have trouble responding here, I'll transfer your facebook messages over. There are questions that must be answered so we can try to make a difference in the disgusting pile of dirty diapers that are going to eventually take over the landfills.

Commence discussion.

Excellence Vs. Perfection

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.
- Harriet Braiker

Let's just get the confessions over with, shall we? I admit it. I'm sitting here at 11:03 pm eating my dinner. Actually, we'll call it my breakfast, lunch and dinner, because it's basically the only meal I've had today. Breakfast was a protein bar on the go. Lunch I had to choose between feeding myself or feeding my two month old. He won, of course. I got by on a chicken nugget and a piece of string cheese. I munched a little while I made and served supper late, and somehow I squeezed in my exercise while the baby cried and now here I am.

I'm such a whiner. At least my dinner is leftover broccoli, salmon and quinoa. (That's pronounced "Keen-wah" just so I can sound really smart.) That's got to count for something.

My other confession: I got a sunburn. I put sunblock on, but I always forget my shoulders and back. I realize this is not a step in the healthy direction. I realize it will be my own fault when I get skin cancer.

Needless to say, I'm a bit frustrated about everything today. It's one of those days where this whole idea of improving in all of these areas seems to big and too unreasonable for where I am.

As well, the goals themselves do not mesh well. I don't know how to have our family eat healthy, have our fill and still spend a reasonable amount of money on groceries. But then I wonder, what IS a reasonable amount? I only know what I spend. It seems out of control - but I look through the cabinets and fridge and wonder what was frivolous. If I skimp on fruit we run out within a couple days. If I don't get two of this or three of that I end up scraping together unbalanced meals and trying to stretch everything out to the next week.

My family goes through a lot of food in a week. Is this normal? Do everyone's kids eat every last pea and carrot and piece of meat on their plate, ask for more, and then still constantly whine about being hungry? (Just so we're clear, I don't feed them every time they ask. They get three meals and two snacks a day. Unless I indulge in a shower, then I come down to find half the grapes I just bought for the week mysteriously missing off their branches... and it seems that "Not me" was the culprit.) And I don't know, does everyone's husband polish off a bag of tortilla chips in a sitting and go back looking for more? (Sorry, MacGyver, just trying to be real. It's obviously not hurting your figure at all.)

I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like when we have four teenagers in the house...

One week in and I'm discouraged about this whole being more financially responsible business. It just seems like an impossible dream. And I totally sound like a whiner today. I don't blame you if you stopped reading three paragraphs before this. I wish I had.

But my new policy about complete honesty requires I tell you today that I am doubting my ability to pull this off. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

Thanks for sticking with me. And as for the quote - I'm pretty sure that's the source of my problem. I'm striving for perfection when all that is required to make a change is striving toward excellence.

I'm just going to have to figure out what that means in a tangible sense. If you have any thoughts or opinions, leave a message, here or on facebook. I'm really enjoying hearing from everyone!

Almost Disqualified

"What is the meaning of human life, or of organic life altogether? To answer this question at all implies a religion. Is there any sense then, you ask, in putting it? I answer, the man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as meaningless is not merely unfortunate but almost disqualified for life." - Albert Einstein

If you're anything like me, you're going to need to give that quote another go. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Isn't my baby cute, by the way? I think so.

No matter who we are, no matter where we come from, all of us at one point or another in our life have to answer for ourselves the question Albert Einstein asked. "What is the meaning of life?"

There are many answers. The hard part is choosing which one is true. Some go so far as to say that there is no meaning to life. We just happened here and we make the best of it and we happen out. Some say that we are put here as a test. If we do everything right, or at least enough right, we go to heaven. If we blow it, we go to hell. Or we get another chance.

This is probably the hardest of my five categories to write about, which is ironic, considering I grew up in a pastor's home and went to 13 years of Christian school and then took off for Bible college. I guess that's WHY it's so hard. In this blog I'm not just trying to relate to all my friends who think the same way I do. I want anyone to come in, pull up a chair and feel comfortable conversing. And I mean ANYONE. I know there's many, many people who have been seriously wounded by religion. I know that even those of us who grew up in the middle of it can come out scarred by some of the ideas that came to us by mostly well-intentioned individuals. I'm one of them. But I am here to tell you that I'm very proud of those scars, because in the end the doubts, the questions, and the search for the truth is what brought me to the place I am now.

I am not saying I've got it all figured out by any stretch. I'm just saying that the most important thing I've discovered about God is that when you honestly look for him, and ask Him to reveal Himself, He does. Little by little, step by step.

I guess it's the same as the whole "healthy living." There are a lot of people close to me who are really skeptical that my health journey means anything. In the end, no amount of preaching on my part will convince anyone. My changed health, body and outlook will. The results will.

So I'm going to let you decide for yourself. My goal this year in the area of my spiritual journey is to stop acting like I have all the answers, that you must believe what I believe and do what I do to find out who God is. I'll let you look at the results of my 33 years of a journey and decide for yourself. If you hear my story, and see why I believe what I believe and don't buy that it makes any difference, I'm not going to come after you screaming and trying to hit you over the head with my overly large Bible. I know a lot of people do that. Trust me, there are quite a few of them who do it because they were always told that it was the way to show people you care about them. But I understand quite clearly that people are really tired of being hit over the head. I get that it's a little hard to see the love in that. It's something that needs to change, and I regret any amount of Bible-thumping I've done in my day.

So watch me. Hear my story. If anything sounds familiar, if you see yourself in my journey, maybe it's time to think about starting your own.

Bear Another's Burden

"To love is not to wish good for another person, it is to bear another's burden; that is, to bear what is painful for you and that which you do not bear naturally." - Martin Luther

This quote hangs in my kitchen. It has for the entire time this has been my home. I need this reminder.

Above is a picture from my rehearsal dinner, the night before my wedding. In this picture are the closest friends I have, save for MacGyver. All four of these people have been in my life since my earliest memories. We went to the same church, we went to the same school for our entire childhood. Two of them are my actual blood-relation sisters. The other two may as well be.

At relationships such as these - I'm pretty comfortable. We can laugh until we cry, we can share our deepest, darkest secrets, we can finish each other's sentences... there's no awkwardness. I guess the best way I could say it is that when I am with any of these people, I don't worry about what they think of me. I'm just me. They can take it or leave it, and since they've been taking it for 30+ years, I'm pretty sure they will keep it up.

As far as the rest of the world goes, I have a hard time feeling at ease. I love to watch people, I love to study them and figure out what makes them tick. If I could spend all day behind a one-way window and watch everyone without them seeing me I'd have a blast. And admittedly, if all the world were Facebook, I'd be the most outgoing, honest person you ever met. It's when I'm face to face with someone and I have to try to think of something intelligent to say while the whole time I inwardly obsess about what they are thinking of my appearance, my lack of wit and social skills... well, my tongue gets tied up in knots and I end up feeling like an idiot later after I've rehearsed all the different ways I could have handled that conversation.

But MacGyver and I agree on this - we want to have closer relationships with people. We really have it good. Our neighbors are all wonderful people, we enjoy being with family, and we've got lots of really great... acquaintances. But we want more. We want the kind of friends that are willing to stick with you when you're at your ugliest, when you can't give anything back. And we want to learn to do that for others as well.

So if you are one of our many really great acquaintances, (and I know you're reading - thank you for bothering to take the time both to read it and to let me know) we want you to know that we are ready to go out on a limb and form closer friendships. To learn how not to put on a front and be real. Be ourselves. Let other people see the fears we have about relationships. Let the iron of other people sharpen us to be better people, not just people who have enough social skill to maintain a cheerful conversation with you in the aisle at the grocery store or to wave across the street at you when we're out gardening.

This is a scary thing. That's probably why more and more people can't get past the surface relationships. But we're all missing out. I KNOW we're missing out, because I know how wonderful it is to have people who know me inside and out. But something tells me there should be more than there are.

So our goal for this next year is to make new friends, build deeper friendships and learn what true friendship is really all about.

If you know me, let me know when you and your family can come over for dinner. And I am not joking.

If you don't know me, then why don't you put yourself out there and make a new friend today?

And as for my dear dear sisters, thank you all for your friendships that have stood the battering of rough waters, and sailed through the highest seas with me. I love you all!

"I Told You I Was Sick"

I joke that I'm going to put this on MacGyver's gravestone if I have the opportunity. He's always a little worried that he's got some rare disease, but the truth is he's about the healthiest person I've ever met. He's the same weight he was at our wedding TEN YEARS AGO, no matter how many helpings he takes or how many boxes of ice cream he goes through. (If I say this to someone in his presence he immediately protests "No I'm not - I'm TWO pounds more!" I'm sure you can see the seething scowl on my face. You may have one too.) Yes, other than an extremely unfriendly relationship with poison ivy, he's got it going for him in the health department. Not the actual health department. Never mind.

Our children have apparently inherited his genes, at least so far. The eldest bursts into hives if a mosquito looks at her with longing, and the third can't wear sunblock as her skin apparently believes that sunblock IS the sun, but other than these things and a few quirks and spurts of illness here and there they are healthy.

Then there's me. There's no denying that I go to the doctor the least (except when I'm pregnant.) But I've always had problems. When I was little it was asthma attacks and all manner of illnesses. When I was a teenager I developed a digestive disorder and also began to struggle with my weight for no obvious reason. In my 20's the migraines hit,(the writhing in pain, throwing up variety) and I still get them at 33 about twice a week.

So this post is hard to write. Because I have tried so long and so hard to be healthy, and it always seems just one step out of my reach. I went the medication route to the point where I was taking dozens of pills a day, and now I try to avoid medication at all costs because it never seems to help and I end up with more symptoms. I've lost small amounts of weight countless times, and over 30 pounds three times in my life. It never seems to stay off, and I could whine and complain and tell you that it's not my fault, I've done everything right, but I'm afraid of giving up. If it's this hard when I'm trying to master it, what would happen if I gave up?

So this year's goals in health aren't going to be too different from any other year. I'm going to exercise as much as possible (goal of 4 hours a week, though I'm not there yet after childbirth that morphed into surgery) and I'm going to eat an all-natural, specially balanced diet that Jillian Michaels recommends in her book "Mastering Your Metabolism." She also has a few simple rules, though I haven't got into the habit of all of them yet, being recently pregnant. She says to 1. Eat four times a day. 2. Stop when you're full. 3. Never skip breakfast. 4. Don't eat after 9 pm. (This is along with purging all the processed food out and eating a balance of protein, fat and carbs.)

I'm with her on pretty much everything except the not eating after 9. Jillian has never had four small children. Jillian doesn't understand that sometimes Moms don't even GET to eat until 9 pm. But I'm working on it. That's probably my biggest goal. I will get there!

My ultimate goals are to hone my diet and exercise to the place where I am symptom free digestively (my spell check insists this is not a word but I've decided that it is) and migraine-wise, and to lose 50 pounds.

A few wonderful things I've discovered so far in the past few weeks since changing our diet to all-natural:

1. Trader Joe's is the coolest place ever. Whole Foods is too, but Trader Joe's manages to keep the coolness at a more reasonable price.

2. You'd be surprised how healthy you can eat even if you just shop at Walmart. There are more organic/all natural options all the time.

3. Migraines improve with this diet change. At least mine have. In the past 4 or 5 weeks I have only had ONE full-fledged migraine. This is astounding to me.

4. Organic food really does taste better.

5. After a few days of whole and all natural foods your body stops craving the junk and starts detesting it. Seriously. Even more than that, your body starts to crave things like fruit and vegetables. There are other things I've noticed but if I listed them you wouldn't believe me. You'll just have to try it yourself and see.

So there you have it. I'm on notice. You'll ask me. "Miranda, are you exercising four hours a week? Are you staying true to that balance? Are you NOT EATING AFTER NINE?"

I'll say "Absolutely." I hope.

Going Green or Going Insane?

You will find men who want to be carried on the shoulders of others, who think that the world owes them a living. They don't seem to see that we must all lift together and pull together. - Henry Ford

When MacGyver and I got married, he introduced me to recycling. I did a lot of eye-rolling and huffing and puffing and such, but I learned to go the SO burdensome trouble of walking to the garage door and throwing glass, plastics and paper in the bin to be recycled. To be honest, I really didn't think it mattered. I really did not care where my garbage went when I was done with it.

I have to say, I see things differently now. MacGyver likes to say "there's no reason to fill up the dumps" and he's right. If we can go an extra inch or two (as opposed to a mile) and save the next generation the job of cleaning up our mess, isn't that worth it?

So we have always recycled. I'm interested to go a bit further in this and try to only buy packaging that can be recycled. At least do my best. So in the next year I'm going to make a conscious effort to make our "dump" pile smaller. I'm going to look into cloth diapers, at least on a partial basis. I'm going to start a compost pile (just a pile of organic material such as apple cores, banana peels, egg shells and coffee remnants) that is left to sit and turn to fertilizer.) I'm going to attempt to use re-usable bags when I grocery shop, and I'm going to do this by purchasing one every week until I have enough. I'm also already using all natural cleaning agents and beauty products, and I hope to keep that up and maybe find some ways to save money by making soaps/shampoos, etc.

Have I left anything out? If you can think of something I'm forgetting post it. And if you have some further goals please post them here so we can keep each other accountable.

Can We Afford All These Kids?

It's time to be quite honest. More honest that I'm really comfortable being. That's the sticky part of being a writer.

By the way, did you notice I moved the blog posts so you could see the bottle of glue? I felt that made more sense. And that little punch of orange on the page is so refreshing.

Anyway... oh yes, being honest. I'm actually starting with the easiest category. Money. Not that money is easy to figure out. I've never liked math. I got an A in geometry and still didn't understand how I'd come to the right answers. Figure that one out!

MacGyver and I have had our share of disagreements about money. In fact, we are just about as opposite as two can get in our views of money priorities. MacGyver knows that a penny saved is a penny earned. He understands that if you buy something for less you save the difference. He also gets a little nervous when our spending creeps right up there around where our income is.

It's not that I don't agree with him. I do. I am so incredibly relieved that I have a husband who saves and sacrifices and hates the very notion of having debt. I am also ecstatic that MacGyver can fix ANYTHING. While the rest of you hire your electricians and plumbers and handymen I have my very own who works for free. It's okay to be a little jealous. And I'm not exaggerating - he can fix just about anything with a chocolate bar and a paper clip.

Maybe I was exaggerating a little. But just a little. A tiny bit.

So here I sit and wonder - what exactly are our financial goals? We are already debt free (thanks to MacGyver, NOT me.) But I just have to be really honest and say having four children does get a bit expensive. All of them like to eat. I didn't get the picky little skinny child who won't touch his dinner and seems to survive all day on a few ounces of apple juice and a chicken nugget. All of my children eat as much as I do - if not more. Well, I guess I can't say all my children. Number 4 hasn't entered the world of solid foods yet. But his day is coming soon, and it's only going to make grocery shopping within our budget that much harder. And because we are committed to eating healthy - it's a challenge. It seems like the price of food and clothes just escalates every month. Add to that diapers and pullups and all of those accouterments... it certainly adds up.

So I'm just going to make one simple goal in the area of my financial responsibility for this next year. I'm going to attempt to stay within our budget. I'm always running to MacGyver bemoaning the fact that the world has just gotten to expensive for our budget to work anymore. But enough is enough. I'm going to make it work.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Introductions

Beauty is a good letter of introduction. - Proverb

You'll notice I like quotes. Partly because it means I can write less. Partly because I'm not as deep as I would like to be, and it makes me feel deeper to steal other's sentiments.

Unfortunately I am not the embodiment of this quote. I'm not the opposite of it, thankfully, but I'm definitely not the picture of beauty flawless and pure I wish I could be. SO I've chosen to use a picture of my grandmother when she was 16. Because she really was beautiful. And because not only I think so, as this picture was used on a magazine cover in the 40's.

So, in lieu of beauty, I will have to introduce my family another way. How about I just tell you about them? I'm going to call my husband "MacGyver." This is the best definition I can come up with that a large number of people will understand. He's actually more of a MacGyver/Mulder/Sully mix. And a dash of Mr. Darcy and Hamlet thrown in, just so you don't think I base all my character references on 90's TV characters. As for my children, they are pretty typical. My oldest daughter is 6 and could run this house herself if she needed to. She is a caretaker, a mother, her brain doesn't register sarcasm and I think she has enough empathy to feel every emotion on the planet. She is a little challenged in the matching clothes/brushing hair department but her natural beauty makes up for it. "A beautiful mess" as her aunt calls her. My second born is a realist. He feels that everything that has happened to him in his nearly 5 years is automatically unfair, of course, but he has a knack for summing up the heart of any issue and cares if someone else is sad, because he knows how it feels, I suppose. Then there's our third. There aren't quite words to describe our third. She's probably the smartest of the bunch at 2, and there's no mountain (or piece of furniture) she won't climb and no bully or fight she won't take on wholeheartedly. She's our entertainer and the only one of my children that honestly scares me a little. Then there's our fourth (and last?) who has to be the sweetest, cutest, easiest baby in the world. Although he's full of smiles and quite tolerant, he can be counted on to scream if he has to in order to have his needs met.

We also have a mentally challenged dog. He was a really cute puppy when we got him 9 years ago only a couple weeks after we got married, but I'm not sure the purpose he serves anymore besides the designated "throw up on the carpet" or "distribute hair over the entire house" individual. At those he's quite the pro. He can also be counted on to chew through wooden gates when there's a thunderstorm or when my second born plays with his rocket-shooter.

We live in an average sized house in an average neighborhood. We bought your average groceries and products and did all the expected things without thought until more recently, when both MacGyver and I wondered if we could do such monumental tasks such as change our health for the better, save for the future, raise truly happy and well adjusted children and maybe not leave such a messy footprint on this world with our allotted pile of garbage.

So this is our journey. And I hope yours. I'm reaching that point where I feel like this is just a stupid idea of mine that no one is going to read or take seriously. But here's my promise. Even if I never get a response or more than a follower or two, I'm going to make a difference in this family, in this home, in this body. And even if you don't want to join me, I hope you'll read and see what really matters when this year of experimentation is up. Because isn't part of being human and being alive to see what improvement we can make to fight all the things that make life difficult?

Deep breath. Here we go.

Because it Matters

Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out. - Sportscaster Jack Buck

A good blogger has all the answers. Right? If blogging is supposed to be done by brilliant philosophers who have figured everything out, I guess I should erase this attempt at a blog and keep dreaming. But if there's a chance someone with weeds in her lawn, messes in her closets and kids who didn't get their hair brushed today could offer anything of value, it can't hurt to give it a try.

The above quote intrigues me, because I want to know if it's really true. It sounds good, right? In fact, it's the way I've been trying to live for the past few years. It's easy to see the problems in a home, especially when you started out with such grand expectations of perfection. I would become the model wife - able to keep up with her looks even while giving birth to four children in six years, able to be a cheerful and happy spouse even while hormones swirl out of control within on a regular basis... yes, you get the picture. Probably because you've been there too. I'm sure I'm not the only less-than-perfect-looking, exceptionally hormonal wife and mother on the planet. But is there any way to improve every aspect of you and your family's life in a deliberate way? Can any family with so much to do and so many people and events to keep track of really make a positive change with lasting effects? Can I really make the best of it? Can you?

The Project begins. The categories of improvement will be finances, (you know, the never ending battle to decide what's more important - gas or food, vacation or charity, etc.) going green, (the what and why of things such as recycling, organics, and the almost insurmountable mountain of trying to live all-naturally... is it really worth it?) social lives, (all inclusive how can we improve every relationship in our life?) health, (is there any alternative to conventional medicine? is there any hope for true healthy living in this culture?) and finally, the spiritual. (Does it really make a difference to find faith and live it? Where does a family look for God? What does real faith look like and is it an impossible dream?)

I'll try to post once in each category a week for the next year. I shouldn't say try. As Jillian Michaels says "Trying is just planning to fail." Alright, Jillian, let me rephrase (she can't see my eyes rolling) (Please excuse my hostility as I started "30 Day Shred, Level 1" yesterday and I can't move without groaning in pain...) ... ANYWAY, I commit to post one time a week in each category for a total of 5 posts a week, and if I fail, if my hormones are swirling I may cry a little and then I will apologize and attempt to catch up despite the fact that I have FOUR CHILDREN...

Enough said. Now for your commitment. Become a follower, read my quandaries and decide what you'd like to try yourself. Let me know with your comments what you're working on and what you've found works great.

So don't make me feel like I'm the only one. Please post what you are thinking. Please let me know you're reading.

Back to a ridiculously busy life. We'll get started on those pesky economical problems tomorrow.