My Story

All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber

The first day of my life was quite an ordeal. I don't remember it, but my mom can attest to it. I entered the world with a good dose of drama. Maybe that's why all of my children had to follow the same path. The drama just keeps getting bigger. I'm scared to have any more.

But for all that birth drama I ended up being a fairly easy-going kid. I wasn't one to make a big deal over nothing. I still shy away from too much emotion, too much to-do about anything. It's interesting to note that in spite of this I married MacGyver, who may seem even and steady to the average person but truthfully has quite the opposite side. I hesitate to give it a name. Moodiness? Sensitivity? A human roller coaster? He's going to say I'm insulting him, but I assure you he pulls this off in a very manly way a good part of the time. And I'm also willing to admit that since you will have to watch me pretty hard or get to know me pretty well before you ever see me shed a tear or laugh really loud or dance around the kitchen and sing at the top of my lungs, it's probably a good thing that I have a spouse who can handle all these things in quite an expert fashion.

So it goes without saying that my pursuit of spiritual things has also been somewhat matter-of-fact. I grew up in a pastor's home, and so I grew up in the church. I had Bible verses memorized before my ABC's. Unless you ask me to give reference numbers, which just won't stick in my head for some reason, I can probably answer just about every question you can think up or look up in the Bible. I'm not saying this to show off, I'm just stating a fact. If anyone wants to take pride in this it should be my parents, because they are the ones that made sure it was all soaked into me during the early years of my life when I was most "soakable."

I did all the things that children growing up in happy Christian homes usually do. I recognized that I was a sinner and Jesus was the Savior when I was six. I was baptized not long after. I proceeded to hear and accept everything I was taught until I was around 10.

I remember being at Bible camp around this time and starting to wonder why I believed the way I did. Always before I had believed because everyone else in my life believed, because it was all I knew, and because I didn't have any reason not to. But as my mind matured and I began to develop my own sense of individuality, I wanted to know if what I believed really held water.

I guess this is partly because in the private school I went to, where I had many wonderful teachers who were full of faith, I also had a few that were full of rules. And they didn't think the Bible had enough of them, so they tended to make up their own as well. I think this is one of the greatest problems the church has always had in reaching people with the news of Jesus Christ. The tendency is always to add or subtract to what God already said. The Bible actually holds a warning against this very behavior.

But we all still do it. Or subscribe to it. Or vainly try to live by it. Or reject it completely.

So I asked my counselor at camp why I should believe that the Bible is true. I'm not sure she was ready for that one, because her answer seemed weak. "Because the Bible says it is true," she offered in return.

How can a book validate itself with no outside verification? I didn't accept this, and for the next couple of years I continued to question. And push the boundaries. I could go on for quite awhile, but I will just sum up what happened in the 2 or 3 years that followed. I became increasingly unhappy, awkward, sullen and even outright mean. And I had no answers to my question.

I can clearly remember the moment things clicked. I was sitting in English class. Mrs. Foster was discussing Romeo and Juliet. And I was sitting there, being miserable as usual. I don't remember how my thinking led me to the place. Perhaps I wondered why the Bible was any more reliable than Shakespeare. But I started to think about all the things the Bible actually says. Had I ever heard a single argument against them that could even hold a drop of water? Didn't all the commands of the Bible work to cause people good in the end? Hadn't all of those Old Testament prophecies been fulfilled when Jesus came? Hadn't his life, his teaching, his death, ressurection and return to Heaven been witnessed, documented and established by hundreds of witnesses? Hadn't his church endured from that moment till this one, by the undeniable power of a Spirit that resided with us? IN me?

But it wasn't all of these things that cinched the case shut in my heart. It was the silent voice that spoke through the darkness of a 13 year old's mind and said "I love you. Follow me."

And I wanted to. I wanted to follow him and be at peace. I wanted with relief to allow his boundaries to come around my life so that I would be safe. I wanted to have his love protect me and hold me up when it was hard to walk life's path. I wanted him to delight in me if everyone else thought I wasn't worth their time or effort.

I wanted to belong to him. And I told him so. And life has never been the same since. There have been hard times, of course, but I have never experienced the crushing fear of doubt since without his Spirit whispering the promises of His Word. I can tell you without a shadow of any sort of doubt or question that I KNOW God is real.

And that He loves me.

And you.