Book of Faces

No, these guys weren't doing their social networking online. They were playing star wars lego games. Very serious, world changing star wars lego games, apparently.

I'm pondering. What kind of name is "facebook?" I realize it's catchy and modern and edgy... but it doesn't have anything to do with the site. There are no faces (unless you upload one, I guess) and it's not a book. Facebook makes me think of a phonebook that has the pictures of everyone listed. Is that what facebook was created for? To be a listing of people's faces and information in order to contact them?

I guess it makes a little sense. But I still don't like it.

Oh well.

Anyway, I'm wondering today about whether our obsession with online social interaction is a positive or negative influence on our relationships or perhaps both. I'm also wondering if that sentence was properly constructed, but only my sister would have noticed if it wasn't until I decided to point it out...

I'm a bit rambly today. I suppose you could tell. It's probably a good idea to refrain from blogging when rambly. It's probably also a good idea to resist the urge to make up words. Blog wasn't even a word till a few years ago, so you never know when you're going to create the next new thing. Or... word. I wonder if all the teenagers will soon be saying "rambly." Not that all the teenagers think I'm altogether that cool.

I really need to stop. I should probably do some backspacing as well but I won't, because I'm just that lazy today. Hey, "backspacing." I made up another word. I'm so creative.

All right, I'll get to the point. Is facebook the creator of new friendships, the sustainer of old ones, and the builder of the established? Or is facebook creating a society that hides behind computer screens and increasingly finds it difficult to talk to people face-to-face, one-on-one?

Here are my thoughts.

Yes. To both.

What? I have to explain? Alright.

Facebook has helped me make some new friends. There are people in my circle that were too shy to talk to me and I took their shyness for revulsion so I didn't talk to them, because I'm a bit "shy" myself in some ways. So becoming friends on facebook and realizing all the things we had in common gave them and me the courage to talk in person. So now, I've got a few friends I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Facebook has helped me to find long lost friends. My high school principal (the awesome kind of principal,) my close friend who grew up down the street from me, my old piano teacher, one of the boys in my class all the way through school, my two best buds in college. You all have these stories too. In fact, there aren't too many people from my past I wasn't able to find on facebook. I wouldn't have any connection to these people or even know where they are if it weren't for facebook.

Facebook has sustained present relationships. I hate the phone. Those of you that have called me know I don't answer it all the time. I don't even respond to messages sometimes that clearly say "please call me back at this number." I send a facebook message instead. I know, it's a little weird to have a phone phobia. If you also have one please let me know I'm not alone. Or else I might have to have myself commited to overcome my irrational fear of telecommunications.

So I facebook people instead. I suppose this is because I am far more confident behind my written words than my spoken. And if that's weird then I willingly own my weirdness.

But I also think it's possible for facebook to come between people if you let it. If you never talk face to face, if you never have that human contact that grows you as a person, if you never learn to read other people's body language, their expressions... well, that's all part of knowing someone else.

So that's my two cents for the day. I'm sorry I'm not wealthy in wisdom and able to provide 25 cents or 50.

If you've got anything to add, start typing!

Be My Friend

They're worried about what other people are thinking, when the people they're worrying about are worried about the same thing. It makes me laugh. - Gibson Praise

When I was in elementary school, there was a girl whom everyone wanted to be friends with. I'll call her Annie.

I don't remember ever deciding "I'm going to be friends with Annie." I just always was. We started school the same year and we were both friendly kindergartners and we got along well. But there were others whose goal in life was to be friends with her. She seemed so self-assured, so perfect, so right that all the other little girls and even some of the boys wanted to follow her around in order that her unusual "coolness" might somehow be transferred over to them as well.

As the years went by, I started to somehow see myself as less than Annie. That she was doing me a favor by being my friend, inviting me to her parties, letting me sit next to her. As her popularity soared, I fell into an awkward phase that changed my personality from easy-going and friendly to somewhat more reserved and unsure.

It wasn't really about Annie. I don't remember her ever saying or doing anything specifically to make me feel that way. But even as I felt less and less comfortable around the one who had started out as my closest friend, my definition of friend evolved. Even if Annie was a little distant and surrounded by admiring followers, I had other friends who loved me and accepted me just the way I was. When I ran down the street to my neighborhood chum's house or spent time with my "other" sisters I've mentioned previously, I was always me. No pretense, no code of conduct required. I wasn't perfect, and neither were they.

I'm not sure why I feel the same way at thirty-three. I should be able to talk to other women and understand that they are not judging me, sizing me up, wishing they were somewhere else or anxious to get away from me. In fact, it surprised me to hear last week when I said how hard it was for me to talk to people in person, a lot of you agreed with me. More than one person said "I could have written that exact same post."

Isn't it a little ironic that we are all stressing out over what other people think of us as we socialize? What's the point of worrying about what someone else thinks when they are only worried about the same thing? Obviously, they are too busy worrying to judge!

I guess the point is that it's way past time to stop worrying about what you all think of me when we talk in person. There's no reason to labor over what I said wrong or what I should have said or how I could have looked better when I said it... it's ridiculous.

So next time you talk to me, remind me to be honest and be myself, and promise me that you are doing the same thing. Enough with the pretense. Let's just be real.

I'm excited for the way my opening up on this blog is causing the people I know to be more open. I've even got two acceptances on my request for dinner guests! I'm looking forward to learning more about how this whole friendship thing works.

I think we get scared that if someone gets to know us too well, they will see all our flaws. And that's a valid concern. But we all have flaws. And you really can't call someone a friend until you've known them well enough to be a little annoyed by them. To have an argument. To challenge their thinking, and to have your own ways challenged.

My neighborhood chum no longer lives in the same time zone, and my "other" sisters are in another state. So go ahead. Challenge me. Annoy me.

You know, be my friend.

Bear Another's Burden

"To love is not to wish good for another person, it is to bear another's burden; that is, to bear what is painful for you and that which you do not bear naturally." - Martin Luther

This quote hangs in my kitchen. It has for the entire time this has been my home. I need this reminder.

Above is a picture from my rehearsal dinner, the night before my wedding. In this picture are the closest friends I have, save for MacGyver. All four of these people have been in my life since my earliest memories. We went to the same church, we went to the same school for our entire childhood. Two of them are my actual blood-relation sisters. The other two may as well be.

At relationships such as these - I'm pretty comfortable. We can laugh until we cry, we can share our deepest, darkest secrets, we can finish each other's sentences... there's no awkwardness. I guess the best way I could say it is that when I am with any of these people, I don't worry about what they think of me. I'm just me. They can take it or leave it, and since they've been taking it for 30+ years, I'm pretty sure they will keep it up.

As far as the rest of the world goes, I have a hard time feeling at ease. I love to watch people, I love to study them and figure out what makes them tick. If I could spend all day behind a one-way window and watch everyone without them seeing me I'd have a blast. And admittedly, if all the world were Facebook, I'd be the most outgoing, honest person you ever met. It's when I'm face to face with someone and I have to try to think of something intelligent to say while the whole time I inwardly obsess about what they are thinking of my appearance, my lack of wit and social skills... well, my tongue gets tied up in knots and I end up feeling like an idiot later after I've rehearsed all the different ways I could have handled that conversation.

But MacGyver and I agree on this - we want to have closer relationships with people. We really have it good. Our neighbors are all wonderful people, we enjoy being with family, and we've got lots of really great... acquaintances. But we want more. We want the kind of friends that are willing to stick with you when you're at your ugliest, when you can't give anything back. And we want to learn to do that for others as well.

So if you are one of our many really great acquaintances, (and I know you're reading - thank you for bothering to take the time both to read it and to let me know) we want you to know that we are ready to go out on a limb and form closer friendships. To learn how not to put on a front and be real. Be ourselves. Let other people see the fears we have about relationships. Let the iron of other people sharpen us to be better people, not just people who have enough social skill to maintain a cheerful conversation with you in the aisle at the grocery store or to wave across the street at you when we're out gardening.

This is a scary thing. That's probably why more and more people can't get past the surface relationships. But we're all missing out. I KNOW we're missing out, because I know how wonderful it is to have people who know me inside and out. But something tells me there should be more than there are.

So our goal for this next year is to make new friends, build deeper friendships and learn what true friendship is really all about.

If you know me, let me know when you and your family can come over for dinner. And I am not joking.

If you don't know me, then why don't you put yourself out there and make a new friend today?

And as for my dear dear sisters, thank you all for your friendships that have stood the battering of rough waters, and sailed through the highest seas with me. I love you all!