Today has been a much better day. I am no longer questioning my sanity. At least, not in relation to having a large family. I even had two nephews under 6 join my bunch this evening so my sis and hubby could see "Inception." Everything was fine.
I'm prepared, in fact, to be quite honest tonight as pertains to something that has always bugged me about my personality. I'm not sure if it's a character flaw or not.
Have you ever tried to look at yourself in a scratched mirror? We have an antique mirror hanging on the wall that gives off a great vibe - but it's not much good for seeing yourself. Sometimes I feel that way when I am trying to judge parts of my character that are good and parts that need work. I don't know if I'm the only one, but sometimes I have a hard time telling the two apart. Like staring into a mirror when you can't see your whole face.
I figured out pretty young that I was rough around the edges. I didn't like how mean I could be or how lazy. These were two things I began to give conscious effort into changing right around the time I started high school. I have a bit of a "people pleaser" complex and I spend a lot of time wondering how I seem to others.
So all of this swirling around in the stew that is me makes for a questionable aroma. I sometimes get the feeling that other people are afraid of me. I'm not sure what I do to give off a fearful vibe, except that the efficient part of me sometimes realizes that I better take over and get the job done if no one else is doing it. I have learned to try to squelch this urge when I observe that others might be offended by it, but I acknowledge that I can't always know what others are thinking or feeling.
I also admit I'm a bit obsessed with truth. I hate pretension, I hate putting on a show to get attention, and I hate dishonesty in all its forms. I would not knowingly point out a flaw in someone else just for the sake of being honest, but if asked a direct question, I must answer honestly. This has certainly gotten me into trouble on a few occasions.
I'm not sure where I'm really going with all this. Perhaps I'm just hoping I'm not the only one who spends way too much time thinking about what other people think, or wondering if my good intentions aren't seen as good by others around me.
To sum up - it sounds good to say I am efficient and honest. But what if my efficiency and honesty get in the way of my relationships? What if they become more important than my duty to love others?
So this is my quandary. Please, if there is anyone out there who feels remotely the same, or has some other misunderstood character trait, let us know about it!
I must add that since I've started this blog I've felt a little uncomfortable walking around in my life knowing that you all are reading my deepest thoughts. Not so much because I don't want you to know - I'm just worried that everyone is going to think I'm a moron. The hopeful-to-be-one-day-soon-published novelist in me rejoices that someone cares to read what I write. The slightly-reclusive part of me is a little afraid of all this exposure.
But anything worth doing is a challenge. And so I will continue to bleed my words onto this blog, and hope that someone somewhere will appreciate the sacrifice and take something away from it.
Good night.
i'm not afraid of you, and i haven't thought you were a moron since we were teenagers.
ReplyDeleteand while i don't have the same "character flaws" that you do (you and seth are similar btw), i have plenty of my own. perhaps i'll blog about them too so you're not the only one walking around with a scarlet letter. ;)
and thanks for babysitting!
You are absolutely not alone! I think this is something we ALL have struggled with at some point or still do. I know I have/do. I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm reading an excellent book that addresses this subject very well, "When People are Big & God is Small." It's helped me to put some things in perspective & rethink my "flaw" of worrying about what other people think too much. So I'm working on this, too. My prayer is that I will learn to delight so much in God & His glory that I will learn to not think about myself or what others think of me. Thanks so much for your blogging & opening yourself up! It has been a great encouragement! :)
ReplyDeleteI read that book a few years ago and got a lot out of it, Sherri. I definitely had a much bigger problem with this before I read that and took it to heart.
ReplyDeleteWhat I wonder about now is what parts are appropriate to who God made me to be and what parts are just me caring too much what other people think.
And Kathy, I know you aren't afraid of me. You never were. SIGH. I've been afraid of you a few times though...
I often few alone and lost for words to say or things to talk about. I usually repeat myself alot. I also worry about what others think of me.
ReplyDeleteMandy, I'm not afraid of you. I think you are a great person. You and the kids are always a bright spot in my day.
In my experience few people really want to be pleased by a "people pleaser". The possible revelation later by the one being pleased that the action may have been disingenuous, or worse, self serving to the pleaser, can be disheartening, and eventually erosive of a healthy relationship. Regarding your second concern about thinking too much about what others think of you: you are in a conundrum. You must worry/think about what others think, one must cultivate this to be a writer (think: Ivan in Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamozov - Feddy D, certainly not a nihilist, had to imagine the consequences of thought for a created character of his). If one is too concerned about how others perceive their intentions, consider how they perceive the effects of their actions, which are very observable. Intentions are less relevant unless you are a child. Perhaps this is why one falls into harmful thought spirals mostly when one is concerned about what others think of herself. Good luck on your future novels. And a general rule of thumb, not to be glib, is that people spend less time thinking of you than you spend thinking about how you're being thought about.
ReplyDeleteI was going to post this last night to encourage you in a similar fashion not to fret about what others think you are thinking:
ReplyDeletehttp://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/07/14/the-illusion-of-transparency/
Not all specifically applicable, but interesting.
<3 G
Okay, you anonymous posters! I'm sure I know who you all are (especially the one among you who signed her initial... thanks, my dear, I'll check it out, and most of the time I wouldn't really describe it as "fretting" although at one time in my life that would have been true - it's more like "considering." Which is maybe just giving the same thing a nicer sound, but I do think there's a difference.)
ReplyDeleteAs for the other two, I love you, Mrs. P, you are my bright spot as well!!
Jared? Am I right?? And I would completely agree with your comments, especially the last - people are too busy thinking the same things! At least I hope so.
I think overall I gave the wrong impression. This isn't something that eats away at me. It's something that is interesting to me. It's like looking at an illusion - you aren't quite sure what parts you are looking at are real and what ones are just your mind playing tricks on you.
I need to work on writing more clearly. SIGH. That's why I stick to novels.
um, because your novels are unclear? >;)
ReplyDeleteMabel
(Part 1)
ReplyDeleteThank you for having a thoughtful blog, and in particular, your openness about exploring this issue with me and others. Specifically I'm quite happy this gives me a chance to review the story of Jesus at the Well. During some undergraduate years, a University I attended had a beautiful sculpture of this scene, done by Croatian sculptor Ivan Mestrovic. Numerous theology lectures were had at the benches surrounding this piece.
This is how I recall and review the story of the Samaritan women at the well, with the help of some college notes found in a file drawer. It might be important to recall that in chapter 3 of the gospel of John, John the Baptist has just announced Jesus as being the bridegroom of Israel (ie the Jews). The next story in John's gospel is the whoring woman at the well. The traditional Jewish reading of the Hebrew scriptures is that the Jewish people were continuously whoring after other gods. And now Jesus comes face to face with a Samaritan, a heretical Jew and hence a figurative whore, who is also a sexual whore in regards to her marital infidelities. In this public place of gathering water, probably one of the few places women of the time were allowed to socialize, and perhaps engage conversationally with guys, Jesus engages her and asks for a drink. The Samaritan women innocently points out he has no bucket. Jesus then offers spurting water. (The term "living" water having at that time referred to water that spurted forth from the ground - but also, as nearly everything else in the gospel of John, it has a double meaning. It likely has triple entendre meaningas well, considering.) After offered by Jesus, the women asks for the spurting water that Jesus speaks of. She does not recognize yet Jesus to be the (Deuteronomistic) Messiah and asks Jesus for his spurting water - what is she asking for? Jesus seems to read her correctly - he changes the subject to her infidelities. Jesus makes a comment to her about her private life in a public place. The intent may not be to shame, but it appears to be the outcome. And can one separate the outcome from the intent in someone who can read minds and knows the future? She has been scolded for her marital infidelities. She does not acknowledge this but switches to asking about religious infidelities. ("Our fathers worshipped on this mountain, though you people say that Jerusalem is the place where one must worship." - Context: this was one of the main differences between Jews and Samaritans, Jews felt proper worship and animal sacrifice occurred only in Jerusalem, and Samaritans felt worship could be done elsewhere.) Jesus then goes on to explain that salvation will not be just for the Jews. It suddenly becomes Jesus who is promiscuous. He has announced that he will no longer be solely faithful the the Jews. The whoring of the Jews for other gods is replaced by the whoring of God Incarnate after all peoples. The whoring women's scandal becomes insignificant.