Silly Bandz

We made a recent visit to a children's museum that had a little store. Eldest immediately donned her apron and set to work putting everything to rights and welcoming customers. Unfortunately for her, Toddler was her first and only customer.



Eldest tried to explain that Toddler should carefully make her selections, place them in her basket and go to the checkout. Toddler laughed loudly, began grabbing stuff and launching it in the general direction of her cart. Some of it made it in her basket. Then she took off down the aisle, sending boxes and plastic food items flying everywhere.



Poor Eldest. She's the one that prayed for a little sister.



Today I was trying to find a cheap pair of sunglasses this morning at the store, because my two pairs of cheap sunglasses broke... and my olders found the bandz.

If there was ever a more useless, pointless waste of two dollars plus tax it would surely be these ridiculous bracelets shaped like any assortment of things you could imagine.

"You'll have to spend your own money." I warned them. They didn't care. They had to have 24 rubber nuisances (times two equals 48) that will only end up under the couch, stuffed in crevices in their rooms in annoying pieces and ALL over the car floor.

So as I was sanctimoniously thinking of how wasteful children are, I started to think about all the stuff I come home from the store with. How much of that could I really have left on the shelf? How much do I end up frantically donating in order to get the clutter out of my house a year, a month later?

So I'm TRYING to think about everything I buy. Will I still want this in a few months? Do I even like it now? If I'm not sure about something, if I'm just thinking "I'd like to try this" I'm determining to tell myself no. I'm tired of clutter. I'm tired of stuff we don't need. I'd rather spend money on a few quality items than thousands of cheap little nothings that aren't worth the trouble.

What are your thoughts about clutter? Leave a comment with your ideas, goals and suggestions.

Good night!

Regrets

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. - Sidney Harris

Regrets. First of all, I'm regretful that I told MacGyver he could finish off the salsa last night. I didn't have a chance to eat much of a lunch and it's sounding pretty good. To his credit, he did leave a little... about a tablespoon. Thanks, Honey.

But obviously that is not my sole point as you might have been able to tell from my picture and quote. I introduced you to my Grandma recently, please meet my Grandpa, Staff Sergeant Hubble in the 101st airborne.

It's not just a lack of imagination that causes me to keep going back to my roots. I'm a firm believer in learning from the mistakes of those who have gone before you. I'm also writing a novel based on my grandparent's life so I'm a bit obsessed at the moment.

There was an unspoken rule between Grandpa and everyone else in the family. Ask him to teach you how to play tennis, he'd have you on the court chasing balls within minutes. Same went for basketball, fixing cars, singing some old time country songs, exploring creeks or training animals. Ask him to come to your piano recital or high school play he'd show up an hour early and scope out a spot to videotape every gripping moment. Ask him about his parents and he'd take you to see his mom and videotape everything she had to say.

But don't ask about the war.

Who knows, maybe this was a mistaken vibe that we all received and then no one ever asked so he never spoke of it. It's possible. But in all the time I ever spent with my Grandpa, all the endless concerts he showed up for and taped like I was surely the next Debbie Gibson (Brittany Spears for all you younger folks,)I don't once remember him saying a single thing about the war.

He must have said something to someone, most likely my Grandma who spilled the beans later on, because we do know a few basic facts. He signed up to be a paratrooper. He steered himself into a tree when the colorblind test came up so he would get through anyway even though the only color he could see was yellow. He became a Staff Sergeant. He learned how to play poker and blackjack on the long boat ride over to England. (Which then to my mother and aunt's dismay he proceeded to teach every one of his nine grandchildren.) A couple of the soldiers under him were playing with a grenade when they reached their destination in England and he ended up with a leg full of shrapnel.

Oh, and everyone in his group died in North Africa. Everyone except him.

As I've been considering the mind of my grandparents for this book, I'm starting to see a picture of who this man I so adored might have been. He started out a scrawny little baby, weighing in at 3 pounds at birth. I think he spent the rest of his life trying to prove he was strong enough. And when he came home and lived to be 86 and all of his comrades never saw American shores again, I think he felt guilty.

I look at all the things that happened and know that obviously God was protecting him, because he had a different plan for his life. His plans included a wife, two daughters, nine grandchildren and 26 great-grandchildren (and counting.)I'm not so sure that's the way Grandpa saw it. He saw a group full of men he was responsible for who all died fighting a fight he was supposed to be a part of because he wasn't able to stop those men from fooling around that day.

If I'd had the audacity to ask while he was still here, and if he'd told me this, I'd tell him that he was the biggest, bravest grandpa a girl ever had. That I was proud of his patch, his jump wings, and his purple heart, and that he was a good soldier.

I'm sure Jesus has told him as much. I don't think he's sweating it too much these days. But I'll take his regret and apply it to the things that bug me the most in this life, and share them with my children no matter how hard it might be.

I see God's faithfulness in the lives my grandparents lived. I see him continue to work in the lives of those of us that follow behind them. And I think of the words my Grandpa's pastor spoke to him once upon a time when Grandpa asked why God doesn't answer all of our questions. Something to the effect of:

"Isn't he big enough that you can learn to trust him to ascertain when you need to know something and when you don't?"

Thanks for the legacy, Grandpa. Proud of you. Love you.

Great Aunt Emily

I CANNOT live with you,
It would be life,
And life is over there
Behind the shelf - Dickinson

Meet my great great great and so forth Aunt Emily. Also known as the poet Emily Dickinson. She's actually an aunt on both my paternal grandparents sides. I know, I know, that's a little weird. Fortunately for me and everyone else in my family, Grandpa and Grammy didn't know they were distantly related. Otherwise they might have been weirded out too and never would have got married and had six healthy children, one being my father.

Anyway, my point is only to say that I feel a sort of kinship with my great aunt/cousin/whatever the exact title might be. My Dad has sorted it out and posted it on his website but I only need to know she's a relative. I feel a kinship with her of course because we share a love of writing. Even though I've tried Emily's poetry and sometimes I just can't get her style. She might have felt the same way about my historical novels.

Another way we are alike is in our perception of people. She gave in to her fears and became reclusive, in her later years not even willing to leave her room. While I cannot really understand completely shutting off from life, I understand the motivation behind it. It's not that I am necessarily afraid of people or dislike people. In fact, based on this poem of Emily's, I don't think that was it for her either. I think she was like me. People were so important to her, she loved so deeply, that fear of losing them or being rejected took over her mind.

Emily gave up on her faith. I have no doubt in my mind that if I had done the same, I would be as reclusive and troubled as she was. There is a sort of physical nervous response that builds up in me when I am in a group of people attempting to mingle, or when I am speaking in front of people or even singing. (I find it interesting that God has called upon me to do these very things many times in my life. It reminds me of the words of Paul that "My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in weakness.") Even with my own precious family, toward the end of the day my whole body is tensed and willing the late hour to come when I can be alone and breathe. I would describe this nervous reaction to crowds and social situations as I describe the feeling of claustrophobia. It is not something that I allow to happen, it is a physical response.

However, it is not a physical response that I cannot control or learn to master, at least in part. Emily didn't realize that on the springboard of faith in God she could learn to deny her need to be alone on occasion and she would be glad for it. I guess that's what I've learned over the years and am still learning each day. To work toward being more involved in the lives of the people around me, not less. To allow others to sharpen me and rid me of my rough spots, not run away from constructive criticism and call it rejection.

I suppose that physically ill response to people all around me will always be part of who I am, just as it was for Emily. But I'm determined not to let it get control.

I wish with all my heart for a time machine to go visit Aunt Emily and tell her the very same.

Tired

You'd think someone who's been doing her Shred video and hopping on the elliptical 3 or 4 times a week, someone who's thrown away all the bad food and actually made salmon, broccoli and organic rice/spelt/barley for supper would have a little more oomph in her step these days.

Not so.

It most likely has something to do with my beautiful little blessing with strawberry blond hair and big blue eyes. The one who just turned two. The one who slaps her older brother and pokes her baby brother and screams at the top of her lungs when her big sister tries to mother her.

She hasn't been sleeping well the past few nights. Actually, the past two years. But especially the past few nights. She whines and carries on till midnight, trying to yell all her woes through her "Muh" (pacifier) and getting indignant when no one understands what she's trying to say. She finally runs out of steam around midnight, and then pops into our room with the sunrise.

I love her. My little determined girl. She probably doesn't know this, as she is in trouble just about from the moment she wakes up to the moment she finally falls asleep. I'm hoping and praying that this stage is just a stage. I am holding out hope that one of these days all the discipline will kick in and she will become a happy, healthy and well-mannered young lady. I see little bits of sunshine peeking through the clouds. She takes excellent care of her baby dolls. She has a laugh that sounds like a rainbow. She is adventurous, intelligent, independent and strong.

And two.

I need sleep.

More Cloth Dilemmas

No long post today, I just have cloth questions. Hoping someone will have some advice.

I bought cloth pull ups a couple years ago for my olders who have trouble with bed wetting (I hope they don't find this someday and be mortified.) They are getting pretty nasty. (The pull ups, not the children.) This is probably partly because of the way I've treated them. (Again... the pull ups...) I washed them in any old detergent I had laying around and mega-bleached and vinegared them to death. (If you're gasping in horror then please know I treat my new cloth diapers with much more respect than this and I am deeply sorry for my actions in the past.)

What I'd like to know is if they are salvagable or not? Can I do something to make them soft and clean and un-nasty again or should I start over with new ones and treat them better?

Any advice will be appreciated. Any derogatory comments about my un-cloth-like behavior will be taken to heart.

Good night.

Too Much Stuff

I've been having a great time discussing the last couple of posts. I'm grateful that there are people that I know and people I don't know that are reading this blog. I started it to teach myself writing discipline and document areas in my family's life that I wanted to improve, but the ways that others have responded, taught me from their own experiences and challenged me to deeper levels of faith in areas I need to grow has been humbling. Thank you for reading.

I come back to the matter of finances again today. I've come to realize something in my adulthood that I never knew as a child growing up in the home of the pastor of a small town church.

You can have too much.

As a child, I never felt that we were destitute or poor. I couldn't even tell you now if we were. We did have to be careful with money. We did live frugally and conservatively. We wore hand-me-downs and once or twice I remember people bringing us boxes of food and we were grateful for it.

I didn't spend a great deal of time pining for things I couldn't have. I know I did the usual whining that kids do, but I never really felt like anything was truly missing from my life.

Then I went from Pastor's daughter to engineer's wife. We are by no means wealthy, and being an engineer, MacGyver has a personality that is practical and frugal, so we don't spend to extremes. We don't spend what we don't have. And the budget we have agreed on is not suggestions, it is the bottom line.

We have everything we need. We have enough to spend extra to have healthier foods and products. We have enough for quality clothing and fun vacations with our family. And I'm thankful for this.

But we have too much stuff. Some days I wish I could just dump it all on the curb. I am constantly picking up the same 17 pairs of shoes, the same 600 toys and game parts and the clothes are everywhere!

So in the next month (before birthdays and Christmas hit us again) we are getting rid of extra toys, clothes, and all the things that just get crammed in corners and set to the side to deal with later. If it doesn't get played with much, doesn't mean anything to anyone, or tends to end up all over the floor and under foot - it's history.

I'm not sure what the Kidney Foundation does with all this stuff. But as long as it isn't my problem anymore - I'll just be happy to dump it on my front porch for them to whisk away.

Oh, and everyone wish MacGyver a happy birthday!

The Way He Does It

My, my, I had quite a few interesting responses yesterday. Not too many "Oh, wow, me too" comments, though, so I feel a little like a moron. I guess it's time I accept the truth. It's liberating admitting your worst faults. A few said they weren't afraid of me. I should revisit the thought and clarify that it was more likely a fear of dealing with me than an awed, reverent sort of fear. A fear as in "Oh, no, here she comes and she's got that look on her face... run!"

Well, here I come and I have that look on my face.

Not really.

Today's the day I'm supposed to talk about spiritual matters. Something's been rolling in my brain the past few days and I have to let it out. Prepare for disjointed ideas that didn't even originate in my head.

We went to Parkside Church in Cleveland when we were visiting family over the weekend, as is our practice. If you are ever in the Solon, Ohio area on a Sunday you should stop by, they have a great ministry.

Pastor Begg was talking about the way we relate to and tell others about Jesus. He pointed out that Jesus never shook sinners by the shoulders and warned them of eternal damnation. When Jesus talked about Hell, he spoke quietly to his own disciples who already followed him and had no reason to fear. Jesus spoke of Heaven to sinners. To those who were lost in sin he was a cheerleader, to those secured by faith in him, he gave the solemn warning.

Why do you think that is? Pastor Begg's only point was to say that we are going about sharing our faith irresponsibly if we think that the way to lead someone to Christ is by shaking our finger in their face and foretelling their doom. But I've been thinking about it and came up with a couple reasons why Jesus might have taken the approach he did. I'm fairly sure he warned his people about hell because he wanted us to take our job as his ambassadors seriously. But why did he focus on Heaven with those that had yet to trust?

First of all, if you're just angry that I have the audacity to speak of Hell, let me first say that we all are aware there are consequences for actions. It is the way of this world. When wrong is done to someone, justice has to be meted out. Those who break the laws do not get a free pass from punishment, and if they do, we all feel that injustice has been done. And if you are proceeding with the thought that you have never done anything to break the laws of the land (or you haven't been caught anyway) than you must consider that if there are laws made by man, how much more appropriate would be the laws of the Creator, and how much more sensitive would a being of perfection be to sin than those of us who are used to it?

All of that being said, I come around again to say that Jesus apparently didn't feel that it was necessary to cajole people who didn't know him about eternal fire. He wanted them to know about everlasting life and peace instead. He wanted them to know they were loved enough to have someone pay the price in their place and live eternally at his own expense. Why? I think it's really important to God that we choose him for ourselves. He won't give us every proof, every documentation of His good intentions and promises of forever because if He did, then we wouldn't be making a choice of our own free will. Just the same, he doesn't want people to trust him because if they don't they'll be sorry. He wants them to trust in Him for the sake of his love.

Speaking from experience, AFTER a heart is placed in the hands of the Savior, the proof, the faith, the documentation surfaces. There is no way to explain this to someone who doesn't know it from living it. When a tiny step is taken toward God that is humble and acknowledging of wrongdoing, God covers the distance left in between that soul and everything they ever needed.

Either you know exactly what I mean, or you're doubtful. Or confused. All of us simply must know this: God is love. And the soul who trusts in Him will never be ashamed.

It was written in His book just that way so many years ago. And it's still true, and the truth stands so firmly above all that would rage against it here below.

As Pastor Begg summed up, so shall I: "Trust God, and get going."

Character Flaws

Today has been a much better day. I am no longer questioning my sanity. At least, not in relation to having a large family. I even had two nephews under 6 join my bunch this evening so my sis and hubby could see "Inception." Everything was fine.

I'm prepared, in fact, to be quite honest tonight as pertains to something that has always bugged me about my personality. I'm not sure if it's a character flaw or not.

Have you ever tried to look at yourself in a scratched mirror? We have an antique mirror hanging on the wall that gives off a great vibe - but it's not much good for seeing yourself. Sometimes I feel that way when I am trying to judge parts of my character that are good and parts that need work. I don't know if I'm the only one, but sometimes I have a hard time telling the two apart. Like staring into a mirror when you can't see your whole face.

I figured out pretty young that I was rough around the edges. I didn't like how mean I could be or how lazy. These were two things I began to give conscious effort into changing right around the time I started high school. I have a bit of a "people pleaser" complex and I spend a lot of time wondering how I seem to others.

So all of this swirling around in the stew that is me makes for a questionable aroma. I sometimes get the feeling that other people are afraid of me. I'm not sure what I do to give off a fearful vibe, except that the efficient part of me sometimes realizes that I better take over and get the job done if no one else is doing it. I have learned to try to squelch this urge when I observe that others might be offended by it, but I acknowledge that I can't always know what others are thinking or feeling.

I also admit I'm a bit obsessed with truth. I hate pretension, I hate putting on a show to get attention, and I hate dishonesty in all its forms. I would not knowingly point out a flaw in someone else just for the sake of being honest, but if asked a direct question, I must answer honestly. This has certainly gotten me into trouble on a few occasions.

I'm not sure where I'm really going with all this. Perhaps I'm just hoping I'm not the only one who spends way too much time thinking about what other people think, or wondering if my good intentions aren't seen as good by others around me.

To sum up - it sounds good to say I am efficient and honest. But what if my efficiency and honesty get in the way of my relationships? What if they become more important than my duty to love others?

So this is my quandary. Please, if there is anyone out there who feels remotely the same, or has some other misunderstood character trait, let us know about it!

I must add that since I've started this blog I've felt a little uncomfortable walking around in my life knowing that you all are reading my deepest thoughts. Not so much because I don't want you to know - I'm just worried that everyone is going to think I'm a moron. The hopeful-to-be-one-day-soon-published novelist in me rejoices that someone cares to read what I write. The slightly-reclusive part of me is a little afraid of all this exposure.

But anything worth doing is a challenge. And so I will continue to bleed my words onto this blog, and hope that someone somewhere will appreciate the sacrifice and take something away from it.

Good night.

Questioning My Sanity

Isn't Eldest beautiful? So pretty.

Children should come with a warning label stamped right on the front of their cute little forehead. "May be hazardous to your health!" In fact, they could really just leave the "May be" off.

This is one of those days where I question the intelligence involved in having four children within the space of 6 years. You are probably in one of two groups of people: Those who are shaking their head and saying "told you so" or those who have managed to do the same or even squeeze in a fifth in those six years and have even more insane days than I do.

This morning started off bright and early at 6 am when my 3 month old awoke good and hungry. He wasn't shy about letting me know either. After he was finally tucked back in bed I squeezed in a few more z's before the rest descended on my room like a flock of vultures. (Well, technically Second-born was already there. He keeps having "the lion dream" and ending up curled up on our floor every morning. I'm sure 4 and 5 year olds everywhere are nodding in understanding.)

So we headed downstairs for a quick breakfast before we headed to the grocery store. About two hundred "Put that down," "Don't touch those," "Don't fight," and "No, you can't have that" 's later we finally made it to the checkout. We somehow managed to pile back in the car and go home, where I put groceries away while referreeing fights, kissing boo-boo's and calming a crying baby. Baby J decided it was time to be fed again. Toddler decided it would be great fun to do everything she was told not to since I couldn't stop her. Olders fought.

Lunch was finally served, after a great deal more whining than was truly necessary. Most of it was eaten except in the case of toddler who managed rather to turn it into a thick coat of art on her hands, face and hair.

After lunch was cleaned up, I pulled out Jillian and all of us did the 30 Day Shred. Really didn't want to do it today, but Eldest and Second-born coached me on and we made it the whole 25 minutes or so. Crying babies went to bed and olders and I went to pull weeds. Weeds upon weeds upon weeds, including what looked suspiciously like poison ivy. So inside we went to shower and scrub. I managed to lay down with my book for just about 2 1/2 minutes before Baby J woke up and screamed at me. Fed him, tried to put him back to bed but he protested vehemently and I would rather have died than had Toddler wake up at that point so Baby J got his ornery little way and laid on the bed with me. He kicked and cooed and talked while I dozed for a half hour or so.

And everyone descended upon me again. So downstairs we went and to the kitchen I went to make supper. Fighting continued, Toddler ran outside 3 times and had to be retrieved. MacGyver walked in and became overrun with little people immediately. They captured him and made him go outside and play ball with them.

Supper happened for everyone but me, because Baby J decided the moment supper came out of the oven that he was starving and about to faint, so he screamed until his face turned purple.

I almost fell asleep while I was feeding him, but then he was done and they were done and it was time to clean up the kitchen and get the laundry moving again. Zombie version of me did the rest of the chores, pj'ed everyone and collapsed into the chair with Baby J while MacGyver fought the other three to bed like a valiant knight slaying dragons.

He came down, I awarded his courage with a few grumpy words and then tried to put Baby J down. He wouldn't have it. He screamed as if the world were crumbling to pieces for another good hour or two.

And so here I am. Exhausted. Eating after 11 pm, just as I am not supposed to do. And wondering if it is really possible to be healthy and sane when you have a house full of hooligans who are early in the process of being transformed into respectable people that contribute to the world.

Ah well. All we can do is try. Goodnight.

To Live Simply

Yes, I'm a little behind. We went up to see MacGyver's parents for a few days and do some homeschool trips to museums and such. You're looking at the Hale family homestead, circa 1800.


When I stepped into the tiny one room cabin and looked around, I had a strange thought. When everyone else would be marveling that someone actually lived on so little, I felt jealous.

What would life be like if I had so little to keep track of? Tiny room with few belongings, garden, animals, and miles and miles of empty land. It sounds refreshing. It evokes the same feeling in me as taking a deep breath of crisp clean air.

Then my more cynical side reminds me that my simple life would have a few accompaniments. Disease. Accidents. Winter. Summer. Bugs. Bears. Wolves. Dirt. Very dark nights.

Sure, MacGyver and I could make it. Our kids would definitely whine less. (Or maybe more...) We'd toughen up and live off the land. But I suppose it would be hard to ever go from a life of luxury to a life where you live to survive instead of live to enjoy.

But I still believe that we can live with less. I'm still firmly settled that we have too much stuff, we take up too much space and use up too many resources. It's ridiculous in the light of most of history. What made us so entitled to so much? Do we realize our descendants might someday dig up their past and find a disgusting layer of trash and junk? I'm embarrassed.

I wish there was a place to go to live simply as in this log cabin - just for a few days or weeks. To learn what we can really do for ourselves. To realize what we really don't need.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Cash in Your Pocket

There's nothing extraordinarily enlightening about this post. I was just pondering today the truth that good health is a responsible endeavor, even financially speaking.

There are certainly exceptions (I've been to the doctor with my children enough times to be grateful that we have doctors there for us when we need them) but truthfully, how many times do we go to the doctor for some malady we have brought upon ourselves? (And no, MacGyver, I am NOT referring to pregnancy!)

*Truthfully, we love all of our precious blessings more than words can say. MacGyver is just getting a little nervous about silly things like... college. As in paying for it. For four children.

I say if it's that important they can pay for it themselves, but for some reason he doesn't think it's quite that simple...*

Anyway, getting back to my original thought - good health lies much more in our own hands than we tend to believe. Sedentary lives that have too few whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables in them tend to lead to more medical intervention, and that's truth whether we like it or not.

So we can all pitch in to help bring down health care costs both on a national and personal level if we take a step, any step toward that goal of healthy living.

At least that's what I keep telling myself!

And it is just steps at a time, I'm realizing. Too lofty goals quickly frustrate us and make us give up. Just taking it one small step at a time - "I'll work out once this week," "I'll give up dessert twice this week" (...or "today" if you prefer...) these little steps in the right direction, as long as they stick, can end up making a big difference.

.... at least that's what I keep telling myself!

Weedy Thoughts

I'm staring out my window in extreme disapproval. The drenching rains from yesterday watered my garden for me, for which I am extremely thankful, but they also watered those pesky weeds. Those pesky, 4 foot high weeds. That I pulled not two weeks ago.

Honestly, how does a useless, harmful plant grow without any effort whatsoever while some of my carefully planted and tended vegetable plants can struggle even after all my labor? Why can't it be the other way around?

We all know that is the way of this life. It seems like evil is forever looming over good, no matter how hard we work to create the opposite effect. I rest in the fact that it won't be that way forever. But in the meantime, I'm not allowed to rest in fighting it.

I have to go pull those weeds today, no matter how many other things I have to do. While I'm doing it I'm going to think about the negative things in me that I should probably tend as well. I've been pretty sarcastic with MacGyver lately. I have been known to yell quite loudly at my children (at one particular child) while I'm trying to feed John and basically helpless to discipline. I know there are plenty more weeds in my garden, but I'm going to try to work on pulling those because they are probably the biggest at the moment.

Anyone else? Am I alone? It does seem like everyone else's physical gardens look better than mine, so it's quite possible that I'm the only one with 4 foot weeds inside as well. (Wink wink!)

Oh, and no matter what anyone tells you - baby poop turns cloth diapers yellow. It really must be rinsed off. Lessons from cloth diapering. (If I had time I could apply this to the weed analogy...)

Love Makes the Difference

I've been sort of going on about making new relationships. Lately I've been obsessed with one that is for this life seemingly over.

You're looking at my beauty of a Grandma. She left a bit of a hole in my heart when she died a few months ago. At our family reunion this past weekend, my aunt gave me a book of memories that she had found with my name on it. Grandma had only been a few pages into it, but I treasure those few pages of memories she gave me, mostly from her childhood.



My aunt also wrote me a biography to aid me in my attempt to write Grandma and Grandpa's story. They have quite a story. I don't have to exaggerate it at all and it will be quite the tale. I remember clearly as I am sitting here at this table right now sitting with Grandma at her table 15 years ago and asking her if I could write her story one day. She hemmed and hawed about how there wasn't anything to tell, but she was just being modest. Because then she said sure I could and started to tell me things. I've forgotten a lot of that conversation which is why I'm so thankful to have my aunt and my mom to help me with the details, but one thing she said cemented in my mind. "Mandy, I may be all old and wrinkly on the outside, but inside I feel the same as I did when I was sixteen."

Being in my early thirties now, I am starting to understand what she means. We grow, we change, we mature, we age, but our being stays the same. Who we are, what delights us, what motivates us, what we love, what makes us cry... that really doesn't change all that much.

And I know what my Grandma loved. She loved love. She loved her husband, she loved her children, she loved her grandchildren, she loved her Savior. As her mother used to say "Love Makes the Difference."

I am proud to carry on the tradition.

Taking it to the Next Level

I sit here at the table still sweaty from my workout with Jillian and my time on the elliptical. Loving the new shoes - they really help cushion my knees and ankles and treat my feet much better. If you are looking for an inexpensive pair of expensive shoes, you might look into New Balance.

I know I'm going to have to take my eating discipline to a different level if I'm going to see any major changes in this body. I am doing a good job of eating the right things, and a good balance of things. But I am going to have to make myself start doing better with eating at mealtimes instead of just grazing through the day, and I am going to have to stop eating sugar. It's easy to think that if something is natural or organic it's fine to eat, but sugar is still sugar and I am pretty sure that my body thinks it is allergic to sugar. I made some oatmeal raisin cookies with whole wheat white flour and steel-cut oats for a family reunion this past week. I popped a few during the cooking and by the next morning my face had broken out.

So that's my new way of looking at it. If you're allergic to something you avoid it, so I'm going to try hard to start avoiding sugar. I have other ways to sweeten things - Stevia is an all natural herb sweetener that works really well. Honey will sweeten anything. I know there are other things to try as well and I'm relieved, as I definitely have a sweet tooth.

So this week I do my best to cut out all regular sugar. The hardest thing to say goodbye to will be peanut butter.

Goals, anyone? Please post. I can't be the only one trying anything new!

People of the Cloth

So I am going to tell you all about cloth diapers. Or what I know of them in my week or so of experience.

First of all, my overall impression has been great. I am sold. (I have to be sold, because there's no way they'd be taking these back after what my children have done in them...)

I went with the Fuzzibunz brand. I mostly heard the experiences of four different moms, and all of them used different brands. Some of them used more than one brand themselves. When I heard all the things that were good and not quite as good about each brand, the Fuzzibunz were the ones that sounded like they would be the best "fit," so to say, for our family. I liked that they had the snaps as opposed to the Velcro, which sticks to everything in the dryer. I liked that they had a "one-size" that will grow with a baby and even fit a toddler. (Though they are pretty snug on MY toddler.)

I ordered them and they came (free shipping) in 2 business days. I bought 9 one-size and 3 larges. I may end up getting three more larges at some point, because at present I am doing a load every day. The first thing I thought was how soft they are! I imagine they are much more comfortable for a baby's bottom. They are cute and they fit just about as trimly as a disposable with one insert. (You can use two for greater protection, but they get pretty bulky. Baby J can hardly move his legs with two inserts stuffed inside. They have adjusters just like the ones on kids pants nowadays, only these have numbers written next to each hole for the button. There are two sets of adjusters, two at the waist and two at the legs.

The one-sizes (that say they should work for 7-35 pounds) are snug on my 31 pounder. She can get by with them during the day but I'm glad I bought several larges as well, because those work much better when trying to stuff them for nighttime. She hasn't had any leaks at night. She doesn't get leaking during the day either unless I leave them for over 5 hours, and the leaking is only around her legs. I'm getting better about remembering to change her an extra time a day and it's becoming routine. With baby J I'm having more trouble figuring out how to keep his from leaking. I'm sure it's just a matter of finding the right adjustment. He leaks at the legs after just a couple hours, even if he isn't that wet. Nighttime he doesn't usually leak at all, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong during the day.

One thing I have noticed is that it is hard to get these suckers dry. They have to be dried on low and it takes at least an hour before they feel dry, and even then I still think they could be a bit drier. I'm going to try drying and bleaching them in the sun when I rig (or actually have MacGyver rig) me up some sort of clothesline.

So overall, I am very happy with cloth diapers. I haven't had to do anything with messes other than knock as much as I can into the toilet. They go right into the washer for a soak and wash and they come out clean and white again.

So if you're thinking about it and you're not sure, you have my opinion to add to your research. Here's the Fuzzibunz website as well, they have some questions and answers as well and they are very honest about what to expect.

http://www.fuzzibunzstore.com/ (I'm sorry to make you cut and paste, I completely forget how to insert links, or they changed it or something.)

I also said I would post the recipe for homemade laundry detergent. You can get it from the Duggars website, but I found another website that I thought explained the details a little better, and was also scaled down a bit since I don't have 19 children and counting to wash clothes for. Although it seems like it some days...

http://www.soapsgonebuy.com/category_s/24.htm

Next on my list: Homemade dishwasher detergent. Details later.

Going all Crunchy

I saw a family in Meijer today. I admit I was a bit judgmental. I saw the woman and the girl's hair tied back in handkerchiefs, a baby that I'm pretty sure was nursing as his mother carried him along (I have to give her credit for that - I can't imagine how that works without some sort of superhero arm strength...)the long flowy skirts with t-shirts, the man's suspenders and long beard, the sheer number of children... I immediately thought "Crunchy."

If you've never heard the term "crunchy," it's used to refer to all-natural purists who make everything from scratch, birth their babies at home... or out under a tree (no kidding, I read a birth story where the woman gave birth out in the woods... on purpose,) etc. Sometimes they are called "crunchy granola" families. I'm not sure why the term is crunchy and I just don't feel like looking it up today. But trust me, they were crunchy.

I'm starting to wonder how far off of that I am! For as I was raising my eyebrow at the large crunchy family, I was heading to the soap aisle to buy borax, washing soda and fels soap to make my own laundry detergent that would work for my new stash of cloth diapers.

And just as the Crunchies get their fair share of guff from others, I get it too. But I'm starting to care less and less. Because of said cloth diapers, I am going to have about $50 extra a month. Because of said homemade laundry soap... I can't even fathom how much I'm saving because of the sheer volume of detergent that can be made from the $7 or so dollars I spent today. I've always been a little slow in math but I lost count somewhere in the thousands of loads this stash will clean. All I know is the 2.5 gallons of concentrate I made today does 640 loads, and I used 1/2 cup of one and 1 cup of the other cleaners that came in over 3 and 5 pound boxes. I know, it's just mind boggling... or maybe that's just me. Some of you are shaking your head that I graduated high school. I know MacGyver is. He is my superior in math by a billion to the tenth degree. No, I have no idea what that is. But I did get an A in geometry, thanks, Mrs. U.!

ANYWAY, so I admit my Crunchy tendencies are increasing. Please talk some sense into me if I do something crazy like stop wearing makeup or trying to ride a bike to the grocery store with four children on Trabue road...

I'll tell you all about the cloth diapers I bought and give you a full review tomorrow. I'll also share the detergent recipe and instructions.

I'll Show You How To Live

So come with Me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with Me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live

Think up the absolute best, most amazing moment in your entire life. Think of a time when you were flying. When every possible thing was right and you felt like your heart was going to burst within your chest because you were that full of life.

Can't compare.

What was the worst valley you ever trudged through? What was the single most horrifying sight you ever laid eyes on? Where did you fall so hard and fast that you figured it might be the end of you, and did failure, guilt, loneliness, fatigue or fear ever sit so hard on you that you felt literal suffocation setting in?

Not applicable.

What I mean to say is that I'm promising from experience that the very best moments of my life in human terms can't begin to hold a candle to those moments and hours and days that I really start to see the Savior - understand who he is, watch him working in quiet, amazing ways all around me, know his approval, his smile, his care, his love when I wake up and when I lay down at night. It's real. It's not just enough - it's indescribable.

And are there valleys? Yes. Deeper valleys than a heart wants to imagine. But falling fast only ends in strong arms. Failure, guilt, loneliness, fatigue and fear lose their balance and fall away in the reasoning of unreasonable love. Forever love.

He's shown me how to live real. And from what I've seen, I'm only beginning to understand that I haven't yet scratched the surface of the mountain of all he is.

I'm ready for more. Breathless anticipation ready. Not one thought of looking back ready.

Lead on.

To Know Them is to Love Them

I have too many pictures. It took me a good half hour to find that one.

MacGyver and I watched a comedian named Brian Regan on Netflix the other day. He was talking about how we as adults do not really try to put ourselves in children's places. He was saying that he saw a little boy crying because he'd lost his balloon, and the parents just hushing him as if it weren't important. He said maybe we should think of the balloon as our wallet or purse and then we might understand a little more what they are feeling.

Of course, when he said this it was very funny and everyone laughed. I realize that I have lost something in the translation. But the idea of that stuck with me. Kids have to understand that sometimes balloons fly away. But there's no reason we can't sympathize.

I've been thinking about my crew and wondering if sometimes I am too harsh, too busy, too OLD to think about my children as people. I know I can definitely get to the place where it's been awhile since I built a fort and shot the monsters, played peekaboo 700 times, danced the hokey pokey until I'm winded, or listened to the tales of imaginary horses and superheroes.

So I've made a goal in my relationship with my kids. To be intentional in the way that I relate to them. We went on a walk last week when the weather was absolutely perfect. I said "Okay, tell me about anything you want."

Eldest told me every single fact she could think of (and she knows many of them) in relation to horses. The breeds, caring for them, what it might be like to ride one. I asked her "Why do you love horses so much?" She really thought about it and said "I was made to love horses, I guess."

I turned to my Second-born and asked him what he'd like to talk about. "Spiderman. And Batman." Now I must say that I have not allowed my 4 year old to watch Spiderman or Batman. The only thing he knows of them is the pictures on his T-shirts and caps. Or so I thought. I asked "What do you love so much about them?" and he concentrated hard and finally answered "Because they can fly. Because they are strong. I want to be strong like them." (We did have a bit of a discussion about how Spiderman and Batman don't technically fly. I told him Superman does fly, and that's why he's MY favorite superhero. But he stuck with his first answers.)

I guess my point is that I'm realizing it's not just my job to feed them and clothe them and teach them how to act right in society. They are people, and beneath all the chatter that might sound like nonsense to an adult, there are real feelings and interests and dreams. To know them, and to love them completely and help them find their wings, I have to understand what the childish gibberish means.

So I'm determined to listen more. To be on their level more, even if it seems silly or too much of a chore. I'm going to take the time to do it. I don't want to wake up in 20 years and find out they all left to go off to live before I figured out who they were. I want to discover who they are right along with them. And so I commit to take the time.

Make Bread For Yourself

No, I'm not going to tell you to make your own bread.

I am so incredibly excited about this healthy find I can hardly contain myself. If it's weird to be so enthused by a loaf of bread, I guess you better start calling me weird. Except for those of you who have been referring to me that way for quite awhile. You may just continue to do so.

I know, it just looks like a loaf of bread. But this stuff is awesome. It's called Ezekiel 4:9 bread because someone just happened to be reading Ezekiel 4:9 and instead of skimming over it and never thinking about it again like I have apparently always done with this verse - well, they decided to try it.

The verse reads "Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself."

The Lord knows His bread. Not only does this bread have 4 grams of protein, 3 grams of fiber and 15 carbs (in 1 slice), it tastes really good. And God told the prophet to put it in a storage jar to let all of this goodness sprout before it became food, which apparently lets out some nutrition that wouldn't be there otherwise. It has my two thumbs up. I'd put another thumb up if I had one.

I found it at Trader Joe's. I'm assuming Whole Foods would have it as well.

As for my other health updates - I'm still on hold with the 30 day shred. I did some research and discovered that my feet are apparently flat and I "overpronate" when I walk. (Sorry if that was more information than you required.) It just means I turn my feet in too much when I walk which is probably why my $12 pair of worn out shoes were making my feet and knees hurt so much. I looked into the New Balance shoes that Corina suggested last week, and I feel really good about the ones I finally bought online. They are the New Balance 763, and I found them on sale at Kelly's Warehouse for $60. (Yes, very on sale, actually. Decent shoes are apparently worth a great deal more than I've been shelling out.)

So what's your story? Anyone else made any decisions to better their health this week? You're more likely to keep your commitments if you tell someone!

And just so you know, I've been ice cream-free for a few days! But don't ask if I've eaten after 10. Because I have. Every night.

SIGH.

Solutions

"There's no use talking about the problem unless you talk about the solution." - Betty Williams

I read a great book a couple years ago. It's by Ginger Garrett and it's called "Beauty Secrets of the Bible." I know it sounds a little odd, but there is a TON of great wisdom I gleaned from reading it. It's short, but there are so many ideas and thoughts that it took me awhile to go through it because I wanted to try everything she had to offer. There are a few things I took away from the book that I am still putting into practice now, two years later. These are my own modified versions of things that she suggested. Hopefully there will be something that is helpful to you in your own healthy and/or green journey.

1. Surprising sources as cosmetics... Coconut oil and Honey. Who would have thought in the never-ending search for a moisturizer that really does get rid of dry skin - the answer could be found in the baking aisle? But it can. I use coconut oil as a lotion both for me and all my children, babies included. It hardly has a smell at all, it's not greasy in small amounts, and it really and truly softens and heals dry skin. If I want to get fancy I add some sugar to make a scrub, or some rosemary oil to give it a fragrance, but usually I just use it straight. It may look a little strange when you open it up, but it melts with the warmth of your hand. I also use it as a hair treatment. I just slather it on my hair and then rinse it out before I use shampoo and conditioner. As for honey - I was really skeptical about this one. I pictured a sticky mess when she said to rub honey all over my face. But when you handle honey with wet hands and face, it works just fine. It clears up acne and gives skin a glow. I've heard it works well to lighten hair as well but I haven't tried that yet.

2. Natural sources as cleaners and detergents... Vinegar and Baking Soda. Very inexpensive, very effective. So far I've discovered that vinegar can clean countertops and tables, wash windows and mirrors with nary a streak, get rid of odors, work as a fabric softener in the washer, get residue out of hair, and generally work anywhere as a mild disinfectant. (I've recently added a light mist of hydrogen peroxide when I have big messes such as uncooked meat or eggs.) Baking soda is handy for scrubbing out sinks and toilets and aiding in freshness when vacuuming carpets and furniture (especially if you have pets... or an ornery, crazy old dog who sheds as a full-time job.) I've also added baking soda to wash loads when I was dealing with especially gross messes. (I won't go into detail, I'm sure every mom reading knows all too well what I mean!) An added benefit of vinegar and baking soda? I've heard if you mix them together in a 2 liter they explode. Please don't tell my son... Another great way to go natural with cleansers is to switch from regular body wash or shampoo to natural brands. I've been using liquid Castille soap instead of baby wash and it smells really fresh, rinses really clean. MacGyver and I use "Tom's" body wash and I love it (MacGyver doesn't really have opinions about body wash. He uses what I buy for him and set on the counter. I doubt he could even tell you what brand he uses.) And lastly, I'm looking forward to trying my hand at making my own laundry detergent when I run out of what I've got now. I'll let you know how that goes.

3. Snacks... One of the recipes Ginger Garrett mentioned in her book was a "trail mix" of sorts that had nuts and chocolate in it. I loved it, and I've since adapted it. I make a big batch of this every week and we all use it for a quick and healthy snack. If you'd like to try it - just throw 1 cup of pecans, 1 cup of walnuts, 1 cup of almonds, 1 cup of peanuts, 1 cup of raisins, 1 cup of (all natural) dark chocolate chips, and 1/2 cup of sunflower seeds in a bowl and mix it all up. There are specific health benefits to all of the ingredients, and it tastes great! Another recent find is Quinoa. It's an ancient grain that is high in protein. I made it plain to serve with salmon recently and everybody loved it more than rice.

So hopefully you can find some ideas to take with you this time, instead of me begging everyone else for ideas. If you have some ideas to add - please do! People have been having better luck with posting lately since I changed the settings, but if you still have trouble here feel free to post a reply on facebook.

Thanks for reading!