Character Flaws

Today has been a much better day. I am no longer questioning my sanity. At least, not in relation to having a large family. I even had two nephews under 6 join my bunch this evening so my sis and hubby could see "Inception." Everything was fine.

I'm prepared, in fact, to be quite honest tonight as pertains to something that has always bugged me about my personality. I'm not sure if it's a character flaw or not.

Have you ever tried to look at yourself in a scratched mirror? We have an antique mirror hanging on the wall that gives off a great vibe - but it's not much good for seeing yourself. Sometimes I feel that way when I am trying to judge parts of my character that are good and parts that need work. I don't know if I'm the only one, but sometimes I have a hard time telling the two apart. Like staring into a mirror when you can't see your whole face.

I figured out pretty young that I was rough around the edges. I didn't like how mean I could be or how lazy. These were two things I began to give conscious effort into changing right around the time I started high school. I have a bit of a "people pleaser" complex and I spend a lot of time wondering how I seem to others.

So all of this swirling around in the stew that is me makes for a questionable aroma. I sometimes get the feeling that other people are afraid of me. I'm not sure what I do to give off a fearful vibe, except that the efficient part of me sometimes realizes that I better take over and get the job done if no one else is doing it. I have learned to try to squelch this urge when I observe that others might be offended by it, but I acknowledge that I can't always know what others are thinking or feeling.

I also admit I'm a bit obsessed with truth. I hate pretension, I hate putting on a show to get attention, and I hate dishonesty in all its forms. I would not knowingly point out a flaw in someone else just for the sake of being honest, but if asked a direct question, I must answer honestly. This has certainly gotten me into trouble on a few occasions.

I'm not sure where I'm really going with all this. Perhaps I'm just hoping I'm not the only one who spends way too much time thinking about what other people think, or wondering if my good intentions aren't seen as good by others around me.

To sum up - it sounds good to say I am efficient and honest. But what if my efficiency and honesty get in the way of my relationships? What if they become more important than my duty to love others?

So this is my quandary. Please, if there is anyone out there who feels remotely the same, or has some other misunderstood character trait, let us know about it!

I must add that since I've started this blog I've felt a little uncomfortable walking around in my life knowing that you all are reading my deepest thoughts. Not so much because I don't want you to know - I'm just worried that everyone is going to think I'm a moron. The hopeful-to-be-one-day-soon-published novelist in me rejoices that someone cares to read what I write. The slightly-reclusive part of me is a little afraid of all this exposure.

But anything worth doing is a challenge. And so I will continue to bleed my words onto this blog, and hope that someone somewhere will appreciate the sacrifice and take something away from it.

Good night.